Love And Fidelity

Recently I began ruminating on the inner workings of a relationship. There are several points that filled my thoughts; fidelity, trust, love, convenience, pity, desperation, hope. All of these things intermingle, and to a large degree, overlap in a relationship. Questions beg answers. Foremost in thought, if you love, are you then faithful. Is fidelity and love synonymous.

There are many who would say the answer to that is no. I will say that in a dating relationship, wherein you are not married, you hope for fidelity even as you bask in love. When dating demanding fidelity is like a restaurant demanding an 18% gratuity on a party of 8 or more. It sounds good, but not really enforceable.

When looking at marriage, you have to remember that a man does not commit adultery, as in the eyes of God, he is free to do as he pleases. So even in marriage, fidelity is a good idea, but still up for debate. At least for the man. For the woman, it is mandatory, because it is the woman who commits adultery. This whole debate surrounding marriage is contingent that you are truly married.

The Word of God says, “What God has joined together…” (Mark 10:9) I’m not preaching, I’m just asking, Are all marriages made in Heaven? I would hypothesize that quite a few marriages are made in the bedroom. Some marriages are made, or joined, if you will, over an EPT. So then can you require fidelity in a marriage of convenience? In a marriage of lust or desperation?

Operating on the premise that all water will eventually reach its level, there is someone out there for everyone. If through impatience, desperation and/or lust you join forces with what is not for you, problems will ensue. It’s like forcing two similar puzzle pieces together. You can get them to connect, but the alignment is askew and it throws off the whole picture you are trying to create. Whereas, if God joins you, though the pieces may be fit differently, the alignment is perfect, complete and strong.

I have said all of this as the groundwork for my question, Is love and fidelity synonymous? Do you believe that simply by reason of love, you will then be physically and emotionally faithful to your partner. The Bible (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) defines love as charity in a pure sense, a setting aside of oneself for the greater good of the whole. Webster defines love as both a noun and a verb. The verb offers love as to hold dear and cherish.

Fidelity is defined biblically as an aligning with God’s salvation and saving yourself from worldly lusts. Webster defines it as the quality or state of being faithful. So then, if a man or woman can come home from an emotional or physical attachment and take nothing from their wife or husband, with whom they were joined by God, are they faithful? Are they truly in love?

There is a school of thought that if the quality of life and love doesn’t change at home, then what is truly lost to your love? Because this is a blog and not a newspaper article, I’ll state opinion. I have never been married nor have I ever been in love, not as either Webster or the Bible describe. I have felt desire and a need for human companionship, beyond that of family and friends, but not love.

So saying, when I am blessed to be in such a state as the Bible describes, where love is charity. Where , as Webster says, love holds dear and cherishes, speaking of the verb here. I would have to opine that it would wound me beyond words if the object of such deep affection felt the need for extracurricular booty. This is based on me being aware of said extracurricular booty.

I have said often, I don’t believe.. Again I am single, never been in love, never married… I don’t at this juncture believe that if I were blessed with true love I would throw it away because my husband strayed. There. I said it. I would stay. Why? Because I’m not willing to give what’s mine away to some unscrupulous female who decided to sleep with my man. I’m not prepared to cede victory to a whore.

SN: In my mind, sleeping with a married man or woman makes you a whore. You may not receive currency as compensation, but you receive something that is taking away from that man or woman’s family. So, yeah, whore.

My other thought process regarding infidelity, is don’t let me find out. If you are bad enough to get some on the side without me finding out, fine. It is true, what I don’t know won’t hurt me. This means, no phone calls to my house, no missed appointments with me or our children, no diseases, no pitying glances thrown my way because everyone but me knows. No. That outside relationship better be a more guarded secret than who killed JFK.

If I found out, you ask? Smoke in the city. This doesn’t mean divorce, because if he’s who God placed in my life, I’m not throwing him away. I mean, if you dropped a check for a billion dollars in a big steaming pile, and it was probable you’d never get the issuer to write you another check, would you say forget it. That’s nasty, and walk away. Or would you say that’s my billion dollars and I’m going to do what needs doing to hold on to it?

Though I desire to have a man in my life, I don’t need one, so it’s not desperation. Rather it’s recognizing a gift and fighting for it. Before I knew I could write, I didn’t need to write, but now it is like heroin in my blood and I’ll fight for it. Likewise, my mate. Though unnecessary until he comes, once present, I will war to keep what’s mine.

Not everyone will agree. In fact most won’t. Pride rips into you and screams like banshees in your ear… You got played. What will people think if you stay?! Where is your pride, your sense of self-worth?!

Nothing occurs without purpose. There is a reason people are unfaithful. Getting to the root cause of infidelity, ripping the root from the earth and burning it forever, can save a relationship. But both parties have to want to save it. Everyone involved has to be willing to change and grow. Otherwise, it’s a wrap. Shut down production and move on.

In my opinion, fidelity is not synonymous with love. They are two things that unified can create a lasting and wonderful relationship, but they can exist separately. A person can be faithful to someone they don’t love for fifty or sixty years. That is a scary thought. Like being trapped in a prison where you can see what the free people have, but by sheer stubbornness, you will hold on to your cell. If it’s like that, I say pardon yourself, because God did not join you.

In closing, I would hope that every love experience is pure and wonderful, but realistically, it may or may not be. What you have to remember is what is right for you. What you can live with, without torturing yourself or anyone else. Wait for what is yours without settling for fools’ gold and hold tight to it. I am convinced that it will be worth it.