Lonely

It all seems a colossal waste.

I sit trying to write about the angst of love lost,

When I’m still waiting to be favored by love.

What is the point?

Pretending doesn’t lessen the loneliness,

It’s still a crushing weight carried around daily.

I force smiles I don’t feel, because they’re all looking..

Hold in an ocean of tears that want to pour out,

A ravaging tsunami of pain.

I can almost smile at the drama of it all,

If it didn’t hurt so fucking much.

If I didn’t randomly scream with the agony of it all.

Piled on top is guilt, because I know the Almighty has a plan for me.

I know that this desire will be fulfilled.

I understand that this desire isn’t a curse even if it feels like a weapon.

My heart keeps crying, When, o’ Lord?

Have mercy upon thy servant and send my promise.

Even in despair, in an ocean  of deception,

I know my hope will bear fruit.

It’s like it would be okay to be home if he were also.

Since he’s not, it’s like why am I here.

Do you miss me, too?

Do you long for me as I do you?

Tempted to betray our commitment.

I can’t though.

When I think of giving in to a lie.

It’s like your ring is already on my hand and I don’t have the right to it.

Besides, it would be a lie.

Another substitute, code name Duracell.

Not someone I can cuddle up against in love.

Not someone to share dreams with, to hope with.

Someone to support and be supported by.

No, I don’t want a lie.

I want you and, dammit, you’re taking your time.

Do you think the same of me?

That I’m dragging my feet?

Are you sitting with your boys wondering what I’m doing?

I’m writing to you.

Missing you.

Forcing myself to find meaning in the delay.

Know that I wait for you and you alone.

To you I remain true.

(c) Pamela Shropshire 2011