Cocoon

My hope is that this be both cathartic for me and helpful for others. This post is about my journey to me. I never recognized me, who I truly am. In a lot of ways, I still don't today. I see things that people despised and disdained in me, then glimmers of what they appreciated. Those attributes that were and are still appreciated, I have found harder to accept, overshadowed by failings. 

I have friends who love me, I mean really love me, but in the back of my mind, I wonder why. I wonder, what will break this? What will I do to make them turn from me in disgust? I saw disgust growing up, so I know what it looks like. Not disgust like something is gross, but disgust like why am I being bothered? How did I ever get saddled with you? Sometimes I push, testing. "Is this it?" The straw that breaks the camels back?

I'm trying to get to a place where I love me unconditionally. That place where memories don't cause me to cringe and wince. Where I don't fear doing something ordinary to me and winding up alone. I know what it's like to feel alone. Having moved from that place to where I am now, I don't want to go back. I know, to a degree, why I feel undervalued.

Here's the part where I'm helpful. Make sure your children know that you value them, that they have worth. No matter what, try to show them that they have meaning to you. Recognize that they may be different, different from anyone you'll ever know, and show them that those differences make them special  and wonderful, not bad and unlovable.

Knowing how cruel the world is, we often try to change our children instead of embracing those things that make them extraordinary. We push them towards conformity, until one day they wake up and they don't know what is really them and what is who they have been pushed to be.

There are certain things I can recognize about myself. I know that I am intelligent, though I am intelligent in a totally different way than most people. I process things differently. I am extremely empathetic and a fixer, while not suffering self-pity lightly. I have been that pitiful person, and growing out of it, being blessed by God to grow to be better, want better, I know that there is nothing at the end of the dark pity rainbow but despair and failure.

While being empathetic, I am not an emotionally demonstrative person. I don't like to be touched-I can self diagnose that- and I don't like talking about emotions or myself much. I know, this blog appears totally narcissistic, but this is an ongoing effort to grow, while helping others. I feel trapped in this shell and I don't know how to bust free. So I put myself out there and hope that it helps someone else break free as well as me.

I'm very private and I like to be alone, while having the option not to be alone. I used to be overly concerned about what people thought about me, now I'm more like whatever. People thinking I was gay was a big button for me-don't act like your child is gay, or tell them people think it. Trust me, it doesn't help. Some things have to be handled more delicately.

I grew up my father's son more than his daughter. This was deliberate. See, my dad understood me, or at least accepted me, as I was. So I wanted to be the son I thought he wanted. I was interested in what he was interested in. I wanted to do the things a good son would want to do. Except I'm a girl, and when a girl starts behaving like a boy, then she's gay, right?

If I am, then I'm a gay man, cause I love...men. How confusing! Now I'm trying to embrace my femininity, but in the back of my head is this mocking voice, asking why? What do I hope to gain? I'm still not good enough. Back to the shell I'm breaking out of. I have created a prison and lost the key so no easy out. I think that God can break these iron bars; he's already helping me to catch glimpses of myself.

Sometimes I feel like an amnesiac, like Charlie Baltimore, who has been told who I am for years then one day I wake up and I'm somebody else. Don't do that to your kids; let them discover who they are with guidance, not a mold. I have the most amazing imagination, but I think as a child it was an embarrassment to my family, not a wondrous thing.

Now as an adult, I get paid for my imagination. People seek me out for being creative and different. I love being creative and different. I like being unpredictable and amazing even to myself. That's another thing. I'm better with strangers. Once you start breaching the outter circle, I'm waiting for you to hurt me. This comes from betrayal at a very young age by those you trust implicitly. Parents, don't violate your children's trust. It is fragile and though they may pretend to forgive, their subconscious.

Lyrical Dissection: Roles

"I love her cause she got her own." Some men will say that say the meaning of the song will be felt by women who aren't gold diggers. I won't argue; just start the dissection and you can make your own mind up. "I love her cause..." Stop there. If you know why you love me, then you don't. If you can point out one think that makes me lovable to you, then what happens when that one thing is no longer true? "...she got her own." Own what? Some men will say the song means money, but that is open to interpretation.

For arguments sake, we'll say it means money. Own bank account, checking and savings. Own car and home. Okay, I can understand why a man would want a resourceful woman that can survive without a man. That's cool; you don't want to be latched on to just because you have a penis and a job. No man wants to simply be the answer to loneliness. No woman either for that matter. So their has to be something more binding.

Common interests, goals, dreams and aspirations. That is not to discount desire for one another, because attraction is also very important. You have all of that going for you, but she doesn't meet the definition of having her own, so you friend her, because you're not Captain Save Her. Understood. You meet someone who fits the definition of having her own. You don't share the same goals and dreams, though you agree to compromise. The spark isn't the same as it was with the friend, but you have your standards.

You sacrifice your great for okay, because she doesn't have her own. I'm not saying that this song is the standard by which all men base their decisions, I am saying that this song is an indication of the mindset of a population of men. It is indicative of fear. Fear of being used and cast aside. Fear of what their friends are going to say. Fear of letting your family down.

If she doesn't have her own, then you are it. I mean it. What if you fail? What if you can't make it work? That fear above all else, keeps them searching for a career woman. Let's pause here and let it be known that there is nothing wrong with a woman having a career. I'm a writer, and married with kids, I'll still write. I could sooner stop breathing. So I'm not denying anyone's right to having more, or their need for something more.

My point is that fear has destroyed the family structure. The husband has a career, wife has a career, kids are raised by who? Daycare has the kids all day, mom and dad might sit down with them at night for dinner, then off to the separate corners of life. Because the man is afraid to be the man and the woman is afraid to lean.

Men and women are afraid to embrace their roles in life. Roles occasionally may reverse in regards to who works due to things outside of either person's control, but a man content to be a "house husband" is not a man. A woman content to come home to fresh laundry and a home cooked meal instead of a man, is deceiving herself. It is the nature of a woman to want a man. Someone you can lean on and trust to stand. A real man is not afraid to lead his family, to have the vision for his family.

Society and the evil that has become more and more pervasive in society has led women not to trust men. The defense that women build, shutting men out of their hearts and minds because of past mistakes and hurts, instead of learning and moving on. So you see the fault is not to be place solely on man. We, as women, have to shoulder our share.

We lower our standards and accept less. Accept a house husband so that you can say you have a man. I would tell you, you do not. Demand too little and expect even less. We all have to get back to the roles we should be playing in family. Our children suffer because of our fear. Society is weakened by it. We criticize eastern cultures as being too strict, but with some exceptions, they are simply demanding that roles be honored.

There's nothing wrong with being Captain Save Her. You can save a woman from the loneliness of life without you, even as she saves you from the desolation of a life without her. We are joined and have been from the beginning of time. However, man did not come out of woman, but vice versa. Submission is not weakness; it can be extremely hot. A masterful man can be extremely sexy. Not someone who desires to crush you under his heel or beat you into submission, but a man who can be the true head.

Know that a strong woman must have a strong man, or this can't happen. If she can't respect you because she is holding you up, she is in effect, the head of the house; it simply will not work. You decide.

Halloween: The Murder of a Legend

Someone needs to make me understand. I want to just ask Rob why? Michael Myers and his story is not BK. You can't have it your way. If you don't know the story of Mike, let me enlighten you. Michael was infected by a cult who told him he had to kill his family to save the village (This came out in Halloween 6, though it was foreshadowed in 5). He was not abused by his mother's drunken husband. Why Rob did you have to pour your disdain for humanity out on Halloween? WTF did Michael ever do to you?

The rip of Halloween 2 (I gave 1 the benefit of the doubt.) Let's start with the kill. Michael doesn't grunt when he kills. He's not angry when he kills. Michael kills out of necessity to get to that elusive family member. So why does Rob have Michael grunting as he over the top kills hapless people? Why is he showing human emotions such as rage? Why the freak is he killing people without his mask? Why does he look so unkempt? Michael's mask was always tucked in place, prepared for the kill.

The White Horse and his Mother (Why?) Michael parents are irrelevant. His thoughts are his own. Our insight into Michael's thoughts come from Loomis' insights from the years he was his therapist.

Which brings us to Loomis. If I believed in that, I'd say Donald Pleasance was spinning in his grave. The mercenary Loomis portrayed by Sting. Get the freak outta here. What is going on? It's like Rob Zombie sat down with a line of coke and said how can I f up a classic American tale of horror? How can I corrupt this tale of horror and make it a perverted tale of greed and incongruous nonsense? Well, Rob you succeeded.

I spent the movie asking why is this happening or just saying WTF? It's like Rob said how do I want to kill someone? I can't do it so I'll f up Halloween and make Michael my hit man. Well, Rob, Michael is not your effing hit man. He's not here for your frustration. He killed for purpose, not rage and perversion. Definitely not because of a white horse being led by his stripper mom with too much eye makeup. His inner child was displayed only by the slightly innocent tilt of his head, not some little clown suited kid running around.

Elements of Jason Voorhes pulled in to further denigrate Michael. Such as the mother telling him to kill. The inner child tormenting him. There was innocence to his victims. With Rob's travesty, you were felt nothing really for the victims. They were so deplorable. They were the basest of human conditions. WHY!!! I don't understand! I want another Halloween, but i don't want Rob to have shnickle to do with it. You hear me you little perv? You get to have jack shnickle to do with it.

Epiphany: Relationships

I'm driving home one night ruminating on decisions and choices. Everything in life has a decision or choice that must be made. It leads me to think on the foolishness of some choices made. Not just by me, but by people in general.

Say you have a good wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend, whatever you want to call them, who loves you. They are 100% committed to you and it's not enough. You want more, crave and desire more. You want more than the love you see every morning. More than the smiles you receive, the comforting touch. You lust for more. It drives you to go after your more. You plan and plot and scheme, because your lover has to forgive you, right?

They are bound by the laws of God to forgive you, right? But they don't have to forgive you in their bed. They don't have to forgive you in their house. They can forgive you in someone else's bed, in someone else's house. They can forgive you while starting a new life with the man not afraid to be a man. The woman unafraid of being a wife. You can be forgiven with a handshake and a smile.

What you have to understand is that you are the weak one. The love you are so willing to throw away can walk away from you. They are strong enough and can move on and survive. Be a part of something great. When you see them with their future, with the person they were intended to be with... When you see them thriving, growing, glowing, don't be angry and don't regret. Just smile and move on.

Maybe the lightning that their love was will strike twice and you'll get another chance at love.

Mammy Complex

I used to wonder why my fairer sisters and brothers are so free with their personal information. Epiphany... Mammy Complex. We've all seen the movies with blue black folks saying, "Chile, tell mammy what's on your mind. You'll feel better." Seeing this, you grow up believing all black people are hear to solve their ails. They grow thinking a psychology degree is in our DNA. I mean, I'm pretty wise, I have a college degree (yeah that means alot) and I love to help people. But here to solve your every woe, we're not. I still love you though.

My only problem is people who bask in their woes. People who only want to have you commiserate with them while taking there bs onto yourself, leaving you walking away heavy. I am not here to be your baggage carrier. You ever hear people dump on you and as they walk away, what do they say? "That's a weight off, and you're standing there with all this baggage that you didn't ask for. Now I started off talking about my fairer kin, but everyone does it. My fair kin, just goes into more graphic detail.

I would say to everyone, think about what you're going to share. If you need help, don't just dump a pile of negativity on someone. Go in it with the hope and expectation of a better tomorrow. Go in thinking, I'm going to get better after this, I just need to talk it out. I'll talk with you. But if you get to talking nonsense being crazy negative, like this will never get better. I'm going to die like this. I'm so depressed/oppressed/down. I need drugs. That's when I think, die then.

Am I unsympathetic. No, what I am is a realist and I believe in self preservation. If you take on everyone elses problems, problem's they can't or won't solve. Problems they don't want solved because they are having too much fun with the pity party, where is your energy for you? How do you combat your own drama when you are bogged down with their? The answer is you can't. We as human beings can help one another, but we can't change a life that doesn't want to be changed.

So I say, let go of the mammy complex in 2011 and forever. Don't be any one's garbage collector. When they try to dump there garbage on you, shut them down and think to yourself, "Wow that weights gone."

Movie Rant: Stepfather

Stepfather and why you die... One why you got this grown ass strange man in your house with your kids afte 6 mos. Two if you see a mofo on America's Most Wanted, why you gonna go tell said killers bb, instead of calling the popo's? Three if mommy's Duracell stand-in smacksthe shit out of the back of your neck, tell yo' daddy. Him and your mama hate each other; he gonna investigate if only for spite. Four,  dumb b, if the neighbor says she saw lil daddy on AMW, JFGI (just freaking google it). You got kids; you owe it to them to investiate that ish. Last if yo desperate ass neighbor ignores you about her serial killer fiance, NOW might be a good time to try for the reward before he comes to kill you. Too late, you dead.

Okay, so kid did tell his daddy, but bottom bitch didn't listen and apologized to the asshole that choked her son. #yoassdeservestodie. "My family never used physical force." <mocking falsetto> That's why yo kids dumb as hell and don't listen to ish you got to say. Might be why the ex started diddling the secretary cause you SUCK! I have always loved Sela Ward's work, but now I must wonder if she gagged and barfed every day after playing that weak kneed bitch.

You don't see nothing wrong with that ass quitting his job. Insecure asshole. Oh, wait, no KILLER!

"I don't care what gotdamn religion he is." <-- she sinks lower into the abyss of stupidity, desperation and bitchness.

Soooooo.... I'm headedto the airport but I stop to get on my knees in the storm to get an umbrella out of the pool. That's why you dead. Sad.

If you live, don't think anyone is going to invite you and your new man over for barbecue, cause why? Your last man was psycho and killd all of your other friends. Also, if you discover your step dad had your dad's phone call the popo. If someone asks you to be lookout with your phone, make sure your battery is charged.

‎3 against 1 and you have a crowbar; why yall running like he got a uzi? #theynotblack He should've never made it out of the bathroom alive. She should've stomped the ish out of him. Now he's free to pursue sme other dumb victim, with a mullet no less, who giving out all her personal information at the hardware store.

Procrastination

A great sin. A great and terrible evil. The putting off for later what can be done now. The deliberate refusal to move forward and do what we know must be done, what should be done, what could be done. It is a waster of time and energy, and an act of disrespect for the life and ability we have been given. Moving forward. Always moving forward is a responsibility that we all share. To do when doing can be done. To live and serve.

I have been guilty of this deed for quite some time, guilty of putting off. Blaming life that there is not enough time, never enough time. Blaming those who don't deserve the blame for my poor time management. Playing the victim. I'm really hung up on victimization, because someone recently explained that thought process to me. ow we make ourselves victims in life. Victims of men and circumstance. When truly we are victims only of ourselves and not truly victims at all.

We are the perpetrators of crime against ourselves. The crime of taking our gifts and time for granted. "I will do it tomorrow." "I will write later. Let me do this one selfish thing, and I'll serve my purpose in this life" We must all take the stand that tomorrow is today. Procrastination, that noisome evil, that destroyer of success, has no place here in our life. That we are all better than failure, better than regret, better than later.

There are so many talented old people. People who can do so much, who can tell you how to succeed. People who have never done anything with their life but make someone else rich. There are people in this world punching clocks who could be the next great, but that demon, procrastination takes root and hold. We can all push that bully out of our lives. Rebuke it in the lives of our friends and family.

When that talented person you love sits, doing nothing with that awesome talent you know they have, call them on it. Ask them, this brilliant person you love, what are you doing with your gift? You touch me and can touch millions. What are you doing with it? You have the ability to change the world, so why aren't you? We all hear our family complaining about their job, when they have the ability to be their own boss. Venting about the injustice of life, when truly it is we ourselves who have brought injustice onto ourselves.

Don't wait til you're old to tell your kids what could have been. Don't wait until it's too late to be who you can be today. Embrace and love your life enough to do something with it. Now is all the time we have. We have a responsibility to life to do something with it.

Victorious

Is victory defined only by wealth and public standing, or it something greater? I'm sitting on my job, putting in hours, drawing a check, not as wealthy as my talent would speak to. Still I feel victorious. I feel victorious because I overcame. With the help, power and might of God, I overcame every obstacle that told me I couldn't do anything. I pulled down every stronghold that told me to pull the cover over my head and accept a victimized mindset because I'm not where I want to be.

I called a liar those things that told me I was a failure. I may have fallen, but I will not allow that verb to become an adjective of my character. I know I'll get there, wherever there is for me. I know that eventually, with hard work and perseverence, I'll stand where God wants me to. Victory isn't always over a physical thing. Sometimes it's standing victorious over the mind. The greatest lies your subconscious can come up with can and will manifest with but a little effort from you.

Accept it, don't rebuke those thoughts and denounce them as a liar, and they claim success. I am victorious because when the lion roared for me to give up, when he mocked me with past failures, I moved forward still. I am victorious because I choose to be victorious. I choose to be greater than circumstance. Failure is a lesson of life, it points out the pitfalls I would not otherwise see. It is a lesson to be learned from and not repeated. It is something to say, I'm better than this! Let's get it!

Be victorious. First you must be victorious in your mind. Don't accept fear and guilt for past mistakes, or doubts and regret. A wise man told me that I'll never move forward looking back. I believe and embrace that reality. The past is dead and should not be resurrected. There's nothing that can be unearthed from the past that will be what it was prior to death. Nothing is ever as good or as bad as it was in the past. Look forward. Look ahead to the day of your deliverance.

Expect your victory, require your future.

Intro

Welcome to Enigmatic Expressions, a blog created to express thoughts that can not be contained in limited characters on Facebook statuses or Twitter updates. It is how I feel about whatever is currently touching me at that moment. I blog all of the time to my friends and loved ones; figured it was time to share me with the rest of the world. This is but step one in my goal to introduce my artistic and inspiring talent to the world. Look for me on YouTube soon with poetic posts or random rants about whatever is going on. I don't believe in censorship, hence the warning. I may say something that you may find offensive; if so, feel free not to come back. My heart is not contained by societal definitions of write and wrong, dos or don'ts. As i feel it, I speak it. Welcome to my world, friends. Enjoy the spectacle.