Sexual Awareness

I want to blog about sex and the consequences thereof so that we are making informed decisions.  I don’t want to lecture anyone or have people make promises they don’t want to keep.  This post is about information and facts that people need in order to make healthy choices.

Let me first explain what I mean by healthy choices.  Health  is not a singular thing.  When I say healthy, I mean emotionally, physically and mentally healthy.  Decisions that we make in our lives impact our health in many ways.  We lie to our loved ones for fear of being judged or disappointing someone. We may feel guilt, loss of appetite or depression.

At this point, we are experiencing poor emotional, physical and mental health by one act.  One lie that has negatively affected you.  When a person has sex it affects our whole being, everything that makes us who we are. The way we define and value ourselves.

Life is cause and effect.  Our actions bring both positive and negative effects.  There are several ways to categorize sex.  Sex is not bad.  If done right and for the right reasons, sex should be pleasurable for both parties, both during the act and afterwards.  It may be surprising to hear me say that but education is about facts, not myths and delusions meant to scare you into conformity.

I’m not advocating sex or abstinence. I’m telling each person to do what is right for them. To wait until they know themselves well enough to make that kind of decision. In the moment, it may seem like the perfect decision to lay with someone, let them intermingle their body with yours. The thing about moments is that they don’t last forever; there will always be a next moment.  In the next moment you may feel loved and cherished or you may feel dirty and ashamed.  I won’t say wait until you’re grown up to have sex because most adults experience the same moments.

I am saying know yourselves.  Know what you can handle, what you can deal with.  Could you handle giving yourself over to someone and having them turn away from you?  Having them tell all of their friends about you and your performance?  I am asking you to wait until you are ready to deal with whatever the next moment brings.

Asking you, not telling you.  As young adults, and adults even,  it is up to each of us to make these decisions.  It would also be up to each of us individually to accept the consequences, positive or negative of our actions. I know enough about myself to know what I can and cannot find acceptable. I also love me enough not to settle for less than I deserve for a moment.

Some may be saying “I’m ready now.”  Being able to stand the tide of bad gossip is only one facet of being ready.  We must also be ready for the pain and degradation of an STD, which is possible with a sexual encounter.  Ready for the financial responsibility of a pregnancy.  Prepared for the emotional responsibility of being a parent; the monumental responsibility of shaping a life when you are not fully shaped yourself.

This is what I mean when I say an informed decision.  Being informed on what I am capable of and realistically, what I am not. At the teen level, on average, you can legally earn about $7.25 an hour.  While still in school Tennessee law prohibits you from working more than 18 hours a week when school is in session.  Which means the most you can earn a week is $130.5 before the government takes its cut, which is less than $600 per month.

Child care for an infant, still in diapers is approximately $100 per week, with a hook up. Diapers for the month would be about $75, if you’re conservative. Formula and baby food, another $100-$150 per month. Gas to and from work, school and childcare, another $160 per month at $40 per week. This leaves you several hundred dollars short, and this is before taxes. We still haven’t factored in possible after care, because your kid can only be at the daycare eight hours.

This means the  average baby care costs can exceed $1000 per month, which leaves you several hundred dollars short.  So the burden of your child falls to your parents and the state.  Let me paint a picture of government assistance for you.  You sit in a crowded, smelly room waiting hours for someone to call your name and rudely ask you a lot of personal questions. Questions like when did you last have sex, when was your last cycle, does your child’s father live with you, does he work.  This person will proceed to tell you how much money you can earn, where you can live and who can live with you.

I make considerably more money than $7.25 per hour and I still break out in hives at the thought of being a single parent. Sex falls into several different categories.  The best would be to wait until you fall in love and make love with someone who loves you in return.  Someone who will stand by you if you couldn’t have sex with them. Someone who would clean you up and kiss your sweaty brow if you were ill. A person who holds you in high enough esteem to stand before God and claim you as their own.

There is also having sex because it’s what everyone else is doing and you decide to have sex to fit in with your friends. This would lead to quite a bit of self flagellation and internal scorn. Again, I’m not telling anyone what choice to make, male or female, adult or teen. I’m saying whatever decision you make, be prepared to live with it.

Work "Friend"

I recently went through a series of changes at work that have placed me on an emotional rollercoaster. Let me say now, I despise change. I like to have my routine. In addition to my routine, I like having a “home”; a place at work that is mine and mine alone. Some of the changes I’m facing not only mess with my routine, but my nest is also being disturbed. I feel so like an orphan, begging to be adopted. That is not a position I relish being in.

I can admit that there were choices, decisions, I made that led to this upheaval, and still I wang. (Wang is an expression I use to express a severe case of ire and vitriolic expression of same.) So, in the midst of this change, is the loss of some work friends. This, more than anything, has caused a majority of my discomfort. My direct supervisor is a rock star. She is so wise about so many things that have helped me to grow as a person and a leader.

There are also quite a few auxiliary relationships that have made coming to work more enjoyable than it has been in quite some time. I work in a call center with several hundred different spirits and personalities that can try a person daily. Next week, I will find myself tossed into the lions’ den once again hoping to make friends with beasts. Times like this make me want my emergency Snickers in the worst way!

I have been on edge all day! Vacillating between tears, anger and indifference. In my role, all I want to do is help people, but I want to help the lions I know, not these new ones. But alas, I will. I love helping people, especially people who have a desire to learn and be helped. This made me evaluate the oxymoron that is “work” friends. A work friend, using the true definition of the word is a rare thing indeed.

Most work associates are very fickle, meaning, out of sight, out of mind. Still others are fake, having never truly liked you in the first place. These “friends” are just adept at making the best out of a bad situation. These are easier to move on from, because 9 of 10 times, they have allowed their façade to slip enough that you saw who they truly are.

It is very rare to find someone you work with who after the co-worker relationship ends, the friendship continues. I have a few friends that I no longer work with. I believe what makes us work is that we both want to continue. There is no desperate one sided clinginess, which can be both embarrassing and annoying.

So anyway, I’m moving on to a new team and a new project. I will be brave and evaluate my work relationships accordingly, working very hard not to become a stalker. I’m good at that. I have real talent for it. If you’re only pretending to like me, BEWARE. If I like you, I will try to be there for you, do little things for you, as a friend. Until that day comes when I realize its one sided and you realize I’m not worth the perks. As no one likes being used, I hope I discover this before you get tired of getting friend perks from me.

Will keep you posted on how this story turns out. Stay tuned.

Is That A... Gasp... Check?!

After patrolling aisle after aisle of produce, clothing, miscellaneous  home supplies I’m floating on a serious high. Feeling my Zen, my mojo, my whatever. I’m moving like a ninja, stealthy, dodging carts driven by toddlers, avoiding collisions with distracted granny’s. I am on my ISH! Mentally I calculate the length of the lines while also figuring up the amount, with taxes, of my purchases. I am multi tasking like a Sonofabitch.

I make my decision, push through with a smile, come to a halt in the line and…. Feel the bottom drop out of from beneath my feet. What the what? What is that little notebook, those tiny sheets of paper that you are happily scribbling on. It can’t be a… gasp… checkbook?! I mean who does that? I feel pieces of my life slipping away and think, not again! No more.

No more will I stand idly by while life is stolen from me by such a one as this. Indignation rises up in my breast… How dare you?! I will not take this. Two steps forward… Scurvy bastard… Slowly puts my purchases on the belt, adding the divider with a little click of irritation. Standing in that line I declared Revolución!

The time is now for us. We, the  cash toting, debit and credit card swiping, time saving, in and out, bad mo… shut yo’ mouth! The time is now that we should rise up against the shackles of paper checks. Those vile little sheets of paper  holding some oblivious soul hostage. Those halting progress in the checkout, proud of their little ledgers, their silly questions ringing like a spike in your ear. “Do I need to write anything?”

We glare and  make unflattering comments in our head. Our expression becomes corrupted from the moment that tiny notebook clears their person. Time slows down to nanoseconds, each a flick, a lash flicking across our consciousness. A rush of air swirls, fills your ears, like the ocean. Our pupils dilate in disbelief as we are transported to the past faster than Marty flipping McFly.

Our lips clamp tight to hold back the venom tickling our lips. Words of angst and disdain screaming through yur brain. Our fingers grip at the buggy handle, hoping to hold it still against the overwhelming desire to drive the cart into the jovial check writer’s flesh.

Why are you doing this to me, we wail in our head. Why, why, why?! Swipe your card, swipe your frigging card! They turn benign eyes to us, smiling with innocence like they had not wasted life that could never again be recaptured.

Our skin is flushed, feeling like a victim of a kidnapping. The cashier is the hostage negotiator, verifying the funds transfer for our release. Our eyes are now glued as that slip of paper is sucked in, spit out, sucked in, spit out. Little words scrolling across the back, a covenant with the store and the Neolithic asshole who gave it to them.

When they slowly push the cart away, a heavenly choir sings. The sun pushes past the clouds and the rushing leaves my ears. This is not over. Another day we will war, nemesis. You, I and that little notebook. And on that dark day, I will be the victor.

Enigmatic Expressions: Love And Fidelity

Enigmatic Expressions: Love And Fidelity

Tax Free Weekend

Apparently my definition of what is a school supply and the rest of the world's is entirely different. No, I don’t have children about to return to the echoing halls of education, but you know, its freaking tax free!!! So I drag myself to the local Wal-Mart. I could’ve left my car home and walked, the lot was so full. Of course, I wouldn’t have made it to Wal-Mart at that point, and died from heat exhaustion as it was over 100 degrees, but I digress.

I needed new surge protectors, so I’m like it’s tax free. I think I even shrugged. So I happily grab two surge protectors, smiling sweetly at the woman glaring at my buggy. (I’m working on this kill them with kindness instead of a dirty look thing. Will keep you posted how that works out for me.) I move along to the men’s section to grab some A line T’s (aka wife beaters, o dawgs, ribbed tanks, whatever) I love them and my nieces love to steal them.

I was actually on the phone with my niece when I was grabbing them and threatened her and her sibs’ life if they touch the new ones. They can wear the old, dingy ratty ones. Anyhoo, I mentally calculate how much money I have on me and my method of procurement as I join the line that starts almost in automotive, and smile serenely at nothing. This is a lot better than glaring malevolently at everything, which I have been known to do in long lines. (also working on patience. Yes, I’m flawed.)

I get to the front of the line and want to do a touchdown dance, because I lived and did not mortally offend anyone, or send any small children running screaming through the store. I respond to the nice cashier when she greets me politely. She rings up the surge protectors… and things go horribly awry. Wtf? $24x2 is $48 without tax, not that odd fifty something you are trying to charge me.

Excuse me, pleasant cashier lady, why are you charging me tax. No returned smile, so my smile wilts, or at least becomes something not nice. Those are not tax free. Soooooo, if I buy a computer, its tax free, but I can’t protect said computer from destruction with a tax free surge protector? Wtf? I briefly contemplate getting them both, then remember, I only need one. I was getting 2 because it was FREAKING TAX FREE! So I tell the cashier lady I only want one.

She throws me a dirty look. I avoid the eyes of the mob seething at my back, though I can feel the heat of their thoughts. Move lady so I can buy this filler paper. They act like their cart of school supplies is a burnt offering to satisfy the Summer vacation gods and without them, they’ll be stuck with the people they spawned for another three months.

Whatever. I’m not getting them both, so I guess we’ll  all learn patience together. Class in session. So I return my thoughts to the now disgruntled cashier. I advise her I’m going to pay for the one surge protector with my card. She continues doing what she’s doing. I’m like, so you mad now? I pantomime as though she is deaf and say give me my cash, I’m paying with my card. The unflattering moniker I started to add, I bit back. I could almost feel the salty rush of blood, because it was almost as painful as biting my tongue clean through.

I am a novice at this whole being nice thing. You want to test professionals, not newbies. She slams my cash onto the little check writing stand (another blog about that thing later) and re-scans the lonely surge protector. I then procure my T’s and move out of line with a snarky, you too, in response to her grumbled have a nice day. I wouldn’t run to my car, knowing animals scent fear, but I did pick up speed, lest the disgruntled soul behind me decided to attack.

But I yet live. I live to shop another day. Moral of the story? Know what the freak is tax free on tax free weekend to avoid inciting a riot.

Love And Fidelity

Recently I began ruminating on the inner workings of a relationship. There are several points that filled my thoughts; fidelity, trust, love, convenience, pity, desperation, hope. All of these things intermingle, and to a large degree, overlap in a relationship. Questions beg answers. Foremost in thought, if you love, are you then faithful. Is fidelity and love synonymous.

There are many who would say the answer to that is no. I will say that in a dating relationship, wherein you are not married, you hope for fidelity even as you bask in love. When dating demanding fidelity is like a restaurant demanding an 18% gratuity on a party of 8 or more. It sounds good, but not really enforceable.

When looking at marriage, you have to remember that a man does not commit adultery, as in the eyes of God, he is free to do as he pleases. So even in marriage, fidelity is a good idea, but still up for debate. At least for the man. For the woman, it is mandatory, because it is the woman who commits adultery. This whole debate surrounding marriage is contingent that you are truly married.

The Word of God says, “What God has joined together…” (Mark 10:9) I’m not preaching, I’m just asking, Are all marriages made in Heaven? I would hypothesize that quite a few marriages are made in the bedroom. Some marriages are made, or joined, if you will, over an EPT. So then can you require fidelity in a marriage of convenience? In a marriage of lust or desperation?

Operating on the premise that all water will eventually reach its level, there is someone out there for everyone. If through impatience, desperation and/or lust you join forces with what is not for you, problems will ensue. It’s like forcing two similar puzzle pieces together. You can get them to connect, but the alignment is askew and it throws off the whole picture you are trying to create. Whereas, if God joins you, though the pieces may be fit differently, the alignment is perfect, complete and strong.

I have said all of this as the groundwork for my question, Is love and fidelity synonymous? Do you believe that simply by reason of love, you will then be physically and emotionally faithful to your partner. The Bible (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) defines love as charity in a pure sense, a setting aside of oneself for the greater good of the whole. Webster defines love as both a noun and a verb. The verb offers love as to hold dear and cherish.

Fidelity is defined biblically as an aligning with God’s salvation and saving yourself from worldly lusts. Webster defines it as the quality or state of being faithful. So then, if a man or woman can come home from an emotional or physical attachment and take nothing from their wife or husband, with whom they were joined by God, are they faithful? Are they truly in love?

There is a school of thought that if the quality of life and love doesn’t change at home, then what is truly lost to your love? Because this is a blog and not a newspaper article, I’ll state opinion. I have never been married nor have I ever been in love, not as either Webster or the Bible describe. I have felt desire and a need for human companionship, beyond that of family and friends, but not love.

So saying, when I am blessed to be in such a state as the Bible describes, where love is charity. Where , as Webster says, love holds dear and cherishes, speaking of the verb here. I would have to opine that it would wound me beyond words if the object of such deep affection felt the need for extracurricular booty. This is based on me being aware of said extracurricular booty.

I have said often, I don’t believe.. Again I am single, never been in love, never married… I don’t at this juncture believe that if I were blessed with true love I would throw it away because my husband strayed. There. I said it. I would stay. Why? Because I’m not willing to give what’s mine away to some unscrupulous female who decided to sleep with my man. I’m not prepared to cede victory to a whore.

SN: In my mind, sleeping with a married man or woman makes you a whore. You may not receive currency as compensation, but you receive something that is taking away from that man or woman’s family. So, yeah, whore.

My other thought process regarding infidelity, is don’t let me find out. If you are bad enough to get some on the side without me finding out, fine. It is true, what I don’t know won’t hurt me. This means, no phone calls to my house, no missed appointments with me or our children, no diseases, no pitying glances thrown my way because everyone but me knows. No. That outside relationship better be a more guarded secret than who killed JFK.

If I found out, you ask? Smoke in the city. This doesn’t mean divorce, because if he’s who God placed in my life, I’m not throwing him away. I mean, if you dropped a check for a billion dollars in a big steaming pile, and it was probable you’d never get the issuer to write you another check, would you say forget it. That’s nasty, and walk away. Or would you say that’s my billion dollars and I’m going to do what needs doing to hold on to it?

Though I desire to have a man in my life, I don’t need one, so it’s not desperation. Rather it’s recognizing a gift and fighting for it. Before I knew I could write, I didn’t need to write, but now it is like heroin in my blood and I’ll fight for it. Likewise, my mate. Though unnecessary until he comes, once present, I will war to keep what’s mine.

Not everyone will agree. In fact most won’t. Pride rips into you and screams like banshees in your ear… You got played. What will people think if you stay?! Where is your pride, your sense of self-worth?!

Nothing occurs without purpose. There is a reason people are unfaithful. Getting to the root cause of infidelity, ripping the root from the earth and burning it forever, can save a relationship. But both parties have to want to save it. Everyone involved has to be willing to change and grow. Otherwise, it’s a wrap. Shut down production and move on.

In my opinion, fidelity is not synonymous with love. They are two things that unified can create a lasting and wonderful relationship, but they can exist separately. A person can be faithful to someone they don’t love for fifty or sixty years. That is a scary thought. Like being trapped in a prison where you can see what the free people have, but by sheer stubbornness, you will hold on to your cell. If it’s like that, I say pardon yourself, because God did not join you.

In closing, I would hope that every love experience is pure and wonderful, but realistically, it may or may not be. What you have to remember is what is right for you. What you can live with, without torturing yourself or anyone else. Wait for what is yours without settling for fools’ gold and hold tight to it. I am convinced that it will be worth it.

Petulance

Have you ever looked at someone and all you want to say is, "So you mad now?" Empathy, in that moment, sleeps. Stated with a degree of sarcasm it is still meant with sincerity. What the phuck is wrong with you? It would help if you  just said instead of pouting like a three-year old. Still you won't say and I'm left to wonder, to wade through your emotional mine field. Have you ever been here? This isn't any specific relationship. It can be a co-worker, a lover, a friend or relative. One moment you love life and the next, you have a thorn in your paw.

What to do? What are my options when an adult needs babying? I can't wipe your ass, or whatever else requires special attention. So I do what I can; I adapt. I prepare to be who and what is needed in that moment. The thing about petulance, is that it infects those who adapt. Pretty soon that person is "moody" around you because they don't know who they have to be in that moment for the petulant to have a good day. So they are quiet, waiting for a signal of what you need from them at a given time. The relationship becomes diseased by the pervasive moodiness of all involved.

Another problem with such unbalanced relationships is that one person knows and is involved with what is going on with their friend, while the enabler remains a mystery and has no clue how to change that. I mean, the relationship has been consummated on the bed of one persons needs. If you try to change the status quo, what happens? When your needs surface and want to manifest, they can't. So you suppress them while bitterness brews.

By definition of being an enabler, this imbalance is your fault. I blame you and I for devaluing my importance in the equation of our relationship. Petulance isn't just about what the petulant have done, but the self-esteem issues involved in those who indulge them. Why do we feel the need to indulge them? Not just being nice when someone is going through something, but doing back flips because of someone's varying moods. The question begs, how real is the friendship if one party must be handled like glass and the handler can never express themself. There is an awful level of selfishness and self-indulgence from both sides.

The petulant are selfish in a very obvious way. Those of us placating, we are selfish in a less obvious way. Rather than confront that person and create a healthy relationship , we wallow in self-righteous martyrdom, taking the easy way out. A better friend would be honest. A truer friend would say, I need more, rather than molting in self-pity at the sham relationship they find themselves in. There are no heroes or victims in this story, only selfish idiots tied in a symbiotic relationship of need. Largely unhealthy.

Decide not to be a character in this self-indulgent production. Be honest and true tonyourself and with those you claim to love. All involved will be much happier.