My hope is that this be both cathartic for me and helpful for others. This post is about my journey to me. I never recognized me, who I truly am. In a lot of ways, I still don't today. I see things that people despised and disdained in me, then glimmers of what they appreciated. Those attributes that were and are still appreciated, I have found harder to accept, overshadowed by failings.
I have friends who love me, I mean really love me, but in the back of my mind, I wonder why. I wonder, what will break this? What will I do to make them turn from me in disgust? I saw disgust growing up, so I know what it looks like. Not disgust like something is gross, but disgust like why am I being bothered? How did I ever get saddled with you? Sometimes I push, testing. "Is this it?" The straw that breaks the camels back?
I'm trying to get to a place where I love me unconditionally. That place where memories don't cause me to cringe and wince. Where I don't fear doing something ordinary to me and winding up alone. I know what it's like to feel alone. Having moved from that place to where I am now, I don't want to go back. I know, to a degree, why I feel undervalued.
Here's the part where I'm helpful. Make sure your children know that you value them, that they have worth. No matter what, try to show them that they have meaning to you. Recognize that they may be different, different from anyone you'll ever know, and show them that those differences make them special and wonderful, not bad and unlovable.
Knowing how cruel the world is, we often try to change our children instead of embracing those things that make them extraordinary. We push them towards conformity, until one day they wake up and they don't know what is really them and what is who they have been pushed to be.
There are certain things I can recognize about myself. I know that I am intelligent, though I am intelligent in a totally different way than most people. I process things differently. I am extremely empathetic and a fixer, while not suffering self-pity lightly. I have been that pitiful person, and growing out of it, being blessed by God to grow to be better, want better, I know that there is nothing at the end of the dark pity rainbow but despair and failure.
While being empathetic, I am not an emotionally demonstrative person. I don't like to be touched-I can self diagnose that- and I don't like talking about emotions or myself much. I know, this blog appears totally narcissistic, but this is an ongoing effort to grow, while helping others. I feel trapped in this shell and I don't know how to bust free. So I put myself out there and hope that it helps someone else break free as well as me.
I'm very private and I like to be alone, while having the option not to be alone. I used to be overly concerned about what people thought about me, now I'm more like whatever. People thinking I was gay was a big button for me-don't act like your child is gay, or tell them people think it. Trust me, it doesn't help. Some things have to be handled more delicately.
I grew up my father's son more than his daughter. This was deliberate. See, my dad understood me, or at least accepted me, as I was. So I wanted to be the son I thought he wanted. I was interested in what he was interested in. I wanted to do the things a good son would want to do. Except I'm a girl, and when a girl starts behaving like a boy, then she's gay, right?
If I am, then I'm a gay man, cause I love...men. How confusing! Now I'm trying to embrace my femininity, but in the back of my head is this mocking voice, asking why? What do I hope to gain? I'm still not good enough. Back to the shell I'm breaking out of. I have created a prison and lost the key so no easy out. I think that God can break these iron bars; he's already helping me to catch glimpses of myself.
Sometimes I feel like an amnesiac, like Charlie Baltimore, who has been told who I am for years then one day I wake up and I'm somebody else. Don't do that to your kids; let them discover who they are with guidance, not a mold. I have the most amazing imagination, but I think as a child it was an embarrassment to my family, not a wondrous thing.
Now as an adult, I get paid for my imagination. People seek me out for being creative and different. I love being creative and different. I like being unpredictable and amazing even to myself. That's another thing. I'm better with strangers. Once you start breaching the outter circle, I'm waiting for you to hurt me. This comes from betrayal at a very young age by those you trust implicitly. Parents, don't violate your children's trust. It is fragile and though they may pretend to forgive, their subconscious.
I have friends who love me, I mean really love me, but in the back of my mind, I wonder why. I wonder, what will break this? What will I do to make them turn from me in disgust? I saw disgust growing up, so I know what it looks like. Not disgust like something is gross, but disgust like why am I being bothered? How did I ever get saddled with you? Sometimes I push, testing. "Is this it?" The straw that breaks the camels back?
I'm trying to get to a place where I love me unconditionally. That place where memories don't cause me to cringe and wince. Where I don't fear doing something ordinary to me and winding up alone. I know what it's like to feel alone. Having moved from that place to where I am now, I don't want to go back. I know, to a degree, why I feel undervalued.
Here's the part where I'm helpful. Make sure your children know that you value them, that they have worth. No matter what, try to show them that they have meaning to you. Recognize that they may be different, different from anyone you'll ever know, and show them that those differences make them special and wonderful, not bad and unlovable.
Knowing how cruel the world is, we often try to change our children instead of embracing those things that make them extraordinary. We push them towards conformity, until one day they wake up and they don't know what is really them and what is who they have been pushed to be.
There are certain things I can recognize about myself. I know that I am intelligent, though I am intelligent in a totally different way than most people. I process things differently. I am extremely empathetic and a fixer, while not suffering self-pity lightly. I have been that pitiful person, and growing out of it, being blessed by God to grow to be better, want better, I know that there is nothing at the end of the dark pity rainbow but despair and failure.
While being empathetic, I am not an emotionally demonstrative person. I don't like to be touched-I can self diagnose that- and I don't like talking about emotions or myself much. I know, this blog appears totally narcissistic, but this is an ongoing effort to grow, while helping others. I feel trapped in this shell and I don't know how to bust free. So I put myself out there and hope that it helps someone else break free as well as me.
I'm very private and I like to be alone, while having the option not to be alone. I used to be overly concerned about what people thought about me, now I'm more like whatever. People thinking I was gay was a big button for me-don't act like your child is gay, or tell them people think it. Trust me, it doesn't help. Some things have to be handled more delicately.
I grew up my father's son more than his daughter. This was deliberate. See, my dad understood me, or at least accepted me, as I was. So I wanted to be the son I thought he wanted. I was interested in what he was interested in. I wanted to do the things a good son would want to do. Except I'm a girl, and when a girl starts behaving like a boy, then she's gay, right?
If I am, then I'm a gay man, cause I love...men. How confusing! Now I'm trying to embrace my femininity, but in the back of my head is this mocking voice, asking why? What do I hope to gain? I'm still not good enough. Back to the shell I'm breaking out of. I have created a prison and lost the key so no easy out. I think that God can break these iron bars; he's already helping me to catch glimpses of myself.
Sometimes I feel like an amnesiac, like Charlie Baltimore, who has been told who I am for years then one day I wake up and I'm somebody else. Don't do that to your kids; let them discover who they are with guidance, not a mold. I have the most amazing imagination, but I think as a child it was an embarrassment to my family, not a wondrous thing.
Now as an adult, I get paid for my imagination. People seek me out for being creative and different. I love being creative and different. I like being unpredictable and amazing even to myself. That's another thing. I'm better with strangers. Once you start breaching the outter circle, I'm waiting for you to hurt me. This comes from betrayal at a very young age by those you trust implicitly. Parents, don't violate your children's trust. It is fragile and though they may pretend to forgive, their subconscious.
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