Its been a couple of weeks since I posted anything. During that time, I've had some ups and downs emotionally where I wonder who am I? I haven't figured it out yet, but I'm praying for God to reveal it to me. I often feel opposing thoughts of being too empathetic and bordering on sociopathic. I can be honest enough to recognize that this post is narcisstic. I often am too introspective, looking too deeply where perhaps I should be more shallow.
Too many days are spent with me feeling like an unwelcome visitor in my own body. Like I'm looking out the window, screaming, "Let me out of this loser prison!" Take 2 steps forward, the steps back are variable. There are days when I spend the whole day feeling positively fierce. Then I pass a window or a mirror and the stranger is quick to remind me who I'm not.
The worse part about the stranger? She makes me different around my friends. I wonder... What do you see in my? Why are you my friend? If I stop serving a purpose, will you leave? Do I serve a purpose now? If not, why not? You don't have to tell me how crazy, though I stumble over the word, this sounds. I know some people reading this will think, just get some counseling.
The fact is, I have some pretty wise friends, and I just can't get past the question, Why are you even my friend? to actually tell them how I feel. Also, friends are really quick to tell you why you're super awesome and why you shouldn't be feeling like you feel. They don't just listen, so they can't get to root cause. I can think of some causes, all day long.
They all start and stop with me. But so often the solution is within the problem. So my solution is within the thought that I suck, not in the fact that I do. I really don't suck. In a rational part of me I can recognize that I am a relatively good person. I'm smart and I have a good sense of humor. I'm a talented writer and I'm a good friend. Mostly.
I sincerely have to get over my hangups. The thing is, I know I'm not the only person with these types of thoughts and feelings. That's not why I'm composing this post, thought it can be a lovely side benefit. Essentially, the stranger is an interloper, an armed robber who should be put to death for breaking and entering my body, my life and every relationship I have.
Too many days are spent with me feeling like an unwelcome visitor in my own body. Like I'm looking out the window, screaming, "Let me out of this loser prison!" Take 2 steps forward, the steps back are variable. There are days when I spend the whole day feeling positively fierce. Then I pass a window or a mirror and the stranger is quick to remind me who I'm not.
The worse part about the stranger? She makes me different around my friends. I wonder... What do you see in my? Why are you my friend? If I stop serving a purpose, will you leave? Do I serve a purpose now? If not, why not? You don't have to tell me how crazy, though I stumble over the word, this sounds. I know some people reading this will think, just get some counseling.
The fact is, I have some pretty wise friends, and I just can't get past the question, Why are you even my friend? to actually tell them how I feel. Also, friends are really quick to tell you why you're super awesome and why you shouldn't be feeling like you feel. They don't just listen, so they can't get to root cause. I can think of some causes, all day long.
They all start and stop with me. But so often the solution is within the problem. So my solution is within the thought that I suck, not in the fact that I do. I really don't suck. In a rational part of me I can recognize that I am a relatively good person. I'm smart and I have a good sense of humor. I'm a talented writer and I'm a good friend. Mostly.
I sincerely have to get over my hangups. The thing is, I know I'm not the only person with these types of thoughts and feelings. That's not why I'm composing this post, thought it can be a lovely side benefit. Essentially, the stranger is an interloper, an armed robber who should be put to death for breaking and entering my body, my life and every relationship I have.
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