I wish I knew how to be a better friend. It is said, and I believe it that to have friends you must show yourself friendly. I believe that I am friendly most of the time. The problem with being friendly is being oneself. Who I am is difficult. I can get moody when I’m thinking about something of import. I pull into myself and I don’t let people close enough.
I watch people who are friends and I see the way they are with each other. The ease of dialogue, not watching every word, being relaxed. I have people that I have been friends with for years and I am still afraid of them knowing me. Still afraid of the day they actually see me and say, what am I doing with this person?
There are people of reason and wisdom who I can speak with, but my mind can’t seem to focus coherently on what I would say to them. Besides, this seems like so much narcissistic bullshit, except that I truly want to be a better friend. I want to have the type of relationship where I can go to someone and just cry.
Lately I have needed that. My life has altered and reshaped itself. Personally and professionally I have gone through upheavals. I normally go through them alone, but it feels like there’s this buildup of emotional need and no one to go to.
In the now it all feels like I need, but I don’t believe in feelings. I don’t believe in emoting. I believe in rationalizing, logic, wisdom. I believe in working things through mentally instead of emotionally. Feelings clutter up what is with what could be, might be, want to be.
Yet the feelings are still there. The need for a connection that I don’t have to be there. I love my friends. I love the people in my life I call friend and I will do anything for them. The problem is that I don’t share with them. I’m still working personally on how to receive from my friends. I feel like I am getting better, but I’m still a very large way away from being the kind of friend I want to be.
When my mom died, I needed. I just simply needed and I went to a friend who was just there for me. We didn’t talk about pain or loss. We were just together, silly and together. It was what I needed to get through that day to the next. That day, I received and the world didn’t end, so it’s baby steps being taken.
In the meantime, I have who I have always had. Me and God. For now it has to be good enough.
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